funny jokes

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.
 
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" She replied, "They're up in bed " So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.

Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh.

His grandmother asked "What gives? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."

--------

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin' yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."


-----

YouTube - Retro look back at classic 80s 90s memories
 
Last week I was with one of my summer interns in the lobby when a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern horsed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer. He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but I told him we didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. This is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

Click here to see what he found....
http://www.gorge.org/jokes/printer.shtml
 
How much is shampoo in London?

Paaann ten


A female Chelsea fan decides to get tattoos of her heroes so she goes to the tattoo parlour and asks the bloke to put Drogba and Makelele's faces on the top of her thighs. She drops her knickers and he gets to work. About 3 hours later, he's finished. She looks at at the pictures and says "That looks fuck all like them! I'm not paying." The guy decides to make her a deal. He says "Okay, if I get the first person to walk past to look at them and he recognizes them, will you pay?" She agrees. A couple of minutes later, he drags a young man in and tells her to drop her knickers again. "Who are those people?" he says. The man looks at them with a confused expression and then says "I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is definitely John Obi Mikel."
 
Haha good joke. I heard that YEARS ago (I'm talking last years of primary school) but it was a boxing fan who had Tyson and someone else on the thighs and 'the one in the middle is a spitting image of Don King'.
 
As a new directive by the Premier League, they decide that to help team building to send sportsmen on holiday together. The first group of three is Vijay Singh, Yossi Bennayoun and Joey Barton... their chosen destination, Palestine.
They all arrive in Bethlehem late at night and decide to find a hotel.
They arrive at an inn, but the innkeeper says he only has two spare beds but one can sleep in the stable. Vijay Singh says he'll sleep in the stable and off he goes. 2 minutes later there's a knock at the door and Vijay Singh is stood there. "I'm sorry, there is a cow in the stable and it's a sacred animal to my religion, so I can't sleep there." Yossi says. "It's okay, I'll go." 2 minutes later there's another knock at the door and Yossi is stood there. "I'm sorry there is a pig in the stable and it's just not kosher. I can't sleep there." Joey Barton says "Okay, I'll go." 2 minutes later, there's another knock at the door and the innkeeper is getting pretty pissed off. He opens the door and the pig and the cow are stood there.
 
Last edited:
marukomu said:
As a new directive by the Premier League, they decide that to help team building to send sportsmen on holiday together. The first group of three is Amir Khan, Yossi Bennayoun and Joey Barton... their chosen destination, Palestine.
They all arrive in Bethlehem late at night and decide to find a hotel.
They arrive at an inn, but the innkeeper says he only has two spare beds but one can sleep in the stable. Khan says he'll sleep in the stable and off he goes. 2 minutes later there's a knock at the door and Amir Khan is stood there. "I'm sorry, there is a cow in the stable and it's a sacred animal to my religion, so I can't sleep there." Yossi says. "It's okay, I'll go." 2 minutes later there's another knock at the door and Yossi is stood there. "I'm sorry there is a pig in the stable and it's just not kosher. I can't sleep there." Joey Barton says "Okay, I'll go." 2 minutes later, there's another knock at the door and the innkeeper is getting pretty pissed off. He opens the door and the pig and the cow are stood there.
Click to expand...
Good but Khan's a Muslim and cows are not sacred in Islam. :SS
 
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
 
Chris Bauer said:
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
Click to expand...


:tumble: I got bored reading halfway through.



Nice effort though:-pp
 
Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine.

However, a beautiful young lady, called Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well and as time went by, Wee Hughie realised that he was in love with Clearly and that the Love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.

And this is what he sang...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone..."
**************************************************​

A man is standing in a queue at a supermarket and notices a stunning, big titted blonde looking at him.

She waves to him and he asks "Do I know you?"

"Yes" she replies, "I think you may be the father of one of my children."

The man remembers his one act of infidelity on his stag night and asks "are you the girl who fucked me senseless while your mate whipped me until my back was red raw, and your other mate stuck a broom handle up my arse?"

"No," she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher."
**************************************************​
 
Last edited:
A little old lady is walking down the street,dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.


One of the bags rips and every once in a while,and a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says "Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag "

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady, "I better get back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop,How did you get all that money? You didnt steal it did you?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady, "You see my back yard is right next to a football stadium parking lot.

On game days a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks "IT" through the fence I say "

"$20 or off it comes."

Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop."OK, Good luck! Oh,by the way,whats in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays "

----


For all of you who deal with restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this story is a timeless lesson on how consultants
can
make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a
little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis,they concluded
that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a
drop
frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are
better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with
his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead
of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the
waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in
the
restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands,
shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'

----

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the armed services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles

off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K.. In that case, I can hire you right

now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00

- and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why

don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours

we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks, not

really any point in you coming in for that!'

----


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's notellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya
think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

----


A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,
'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'

----

Now you know why they're called Doner Kebabs
random-20.jpg
 
The reason for Rooneys extreme haircut have just come to light. Apparently a high class porno mag offered his Mrs a couple of million for pictures of her and her shaved cunt
 
Last edited:
Guess the odd one out:A toaster, a washing machine, a fridge and a woman. Answer:
The toaster. Its the only one that doesn't drip when it's fucked.

I got thrown out of ASDA last night. I slapped my circumcised cock on the checkout counter and said "bet you cant roll that back!"







sorry :COAT:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom