OKAY I'M STARTING ANOTHER THREAD, ALSO FROM NOW ON I WILL BE POSTING IN CAPS UNTIL I GET TIRED OF IT; THIS IS THE CHRIS DAVIES INTERVIEW, HAD TO POST IT IN TWO PARTS, PLUS I SPENT 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE WORKING ON THIS, BETWEEN THE INTERVIEW AND EDITING SO THAT CHRIS'S COMMENTS ARE BOLD, FUCK ME. I HONESTLY LOVE THIS GUY, BUT I WANT HIM TO DIE SOON
THE CHRIS DAVIES INTERVIEW PART ONE
Dermot says:
Chris Iolanthe Davies
Dermot says:
Would you be up for an interview?
Chris says:
That's a lot of pressure to put on someone without notice
Dermot says:
I think its best to grab somebody when they are least expecting it, like a blind man in Vienna forced to play violin when he never has played violin
Chris says:
They might spew out of a black hole generated by that LHC thing
Dermot says:
Yes along with a dinosaur
Chris says:
Christ I hope not
Dermot says:
Chris can we start this interview, I have some questions for you
Chris says:
Go for it
Dermot says:
Well first off, i've been thinking about this all day, I want you to start off with a bit of moaning Chris, i want you to moan, preferabbly by saying something negative about the FIFA 09 demo but you do have the choice of moaning about anything, maybe you could moan twice, first about the FIFA 09 demo then about something else, or about something else first, then the FIFA 09 demo
Chris says:
Okay... The halve lengths are way too short, by the time you're building up an attack the referee blows his whistle. It would have been better to have one full 5/6-minute half, then you could play it twice and keep an aggregate score in your head.
Second one... Erm
Chris says:
Do you know what, I can't think of one
Chris says:
Can I give you a crap one?
Chris says:
Like, bananas go brown too quickly
Dermot says:
Try to refrain from asking me questions here if you can Chris, this is your interview, that's like the rally car driver giving the guy in the passenger seat the specifics of the upcoming turns "sharp left 90" etc, now just to clarify, which of those moanings was about the FIFA 09 demo?
Chris says:
Sorry, I should know that. The moan about the half lengths being too small was about FIFA
Chris says:
I wasn't complaining about the length of anything else
Chris says:
Although... No, never mind, I won't stoop to Grim's level
Dermot says:
I'm going to give you a series of rapid fire questions Chris, kind of a get to know you, CW was very good at this, keep all your answers below 2 words (Dermots note to self: could the instructions be any simpler)
Dermot says:
Name
Chris says:
Chris Davies
Dermot says:
That's 2 words
Chris says:
OH
Chris says:
Fuck
Dermot says:
below 2 words
Chris says:
I thought you meant "up to" 2 words
Chris says:
Sorry, start again
Dermot says:
I said below
Chris says:
You made me panic
Dermot says:
this is gone horribly wrong already
Dermot says:
you shouldn't have paniced, CW was great at this
Chris says:
Let's do it again, I'll do better this time
Chris says:
I want to beat CWChris says:
Not in a violent way
Chris says:
Or a sexual way
Dermot says:
Cw is like steel
Dermot says:
you can't beat steel can you Chris?
Chris says:
You can try
Dermot says:
That's 3 words
Dermot says:
again you failed
Chris says:
OHHHHHHHHH
Chris says:
Fucks sake
Dermot says:
What the hell
Dermot says:
Can we get this right
Chris says:
Yes
Dermot says:
How many words would you like to have for your answers?
Chris says:
One
Dermot says:
Good
Dermot says:
Name
Chris says:
Chris
Dermot says:
Chris what?
Chris says:
Davies
Dermot says:
age
Chris says:
23
Dermot says:
Exact home address
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
please
Chris says:
Nooooo
Dermot says:
What does Noooo mean?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
You're making a good start, are you named after your dad?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
Whats you mum and dads name?
Chris says:
Several
Dermot says:
Evo web is waiting Chris
Chris says:
For?
Dermot says:
Your parents names
Chris says:
Impossible
Dermot says:
Impossible is nothing don't you agree?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
What's your favorite 2 words?
Chris says:
Legs
Dermot says:
I think we should stop the rapid fire round Chris, this is diabolical, I'm putting that in my sig, What's your favorite 2 words....legs
Chris says:
There's two legs though, I was trying to be clever
Chris says:
I couldn't give my real answer
Dermot says:
We hadn't stopped the rapid fires yet and there you go again with the words
Chris says:
BAH I knew you'd say that but I was struggling
Dermot says:
I said we should stop
Chris says:
Did you notice it took me half an hour to say "legs"
Dermot says:
Chris, what do you think of Chris Wright (we've stopped the rapid fire), I want your opinion of the guy
Chris says:
I was named after Saint Christopher by the way, I wonder if CW was too
Chris says:
He is sound as a pound, to be brief
Dermot says:
see how we both talk of CW at the same time
Dermot says:
He really is sound, I mean, m y God, what a guy, there's no words for him, i think the should be a C Wright game, like the life of C Wright, like CM 01/02 with the flashing text "CW enters the room, he puts on the oven.......AND HE PUTS THE LAMB CASSEROLE IN THE OVEN AT 350 DEGREES!!!!!!!"
Dermot says:
Don't you think?
Chris says:
If you took a programming course you could probably knock up a game like that in a week or two, I would buy it
Chris says:
Just to see if I featured in it somewhere
Dermot says:
We just stumbled on a great idea here
Chris says (Dermots note to self: for the record, how is this CM 01/02 style? fucking muppet, just give me the ten quid now, I'll dance on your grave I promise, but i do consider you my friend now):
"Chris Bauer is hiding in the bin, what do you want to do?
A) Put out the rubbish on top of him
B) Tip him out
C) Bring on the trumpets"
Chris says:
You don't like trumpets any more do you, because of the caption competition, admit it
Dermot says:
Why do you continue to ask me questions
Chris says:
I didn't include a question mark, so I was hoping I'd get away with it
Chris says:
You're a very clever man
Dermot says:
Do you really think that? I thought you thought I was a fucking arsehole
Chris says:
Your comedic talent is almost on a par with the guys behind Father Ted, just because you're quite "in your face" doesn't mean someone should hate you
Chris says:
You're a good lad
Chris says:
But you're not having my address
Dermot says:
I'm feeling we are having a bit of a gay moment here Chris, actually now that I think of it, I'm naked sitting on my bed with my laptop resting on my chest
Dermot says:
seriously
Chris says:
Oh
Chris says:
That's great
Dermot says:
I'm not gay though, i like girls
Dermot says:
I was with a girl last night
Chris says:
Do you wear that hat when you're with them?
Dermot says:
Questions again
Chris says:
You should put a picture of yourself in that hat at the top of each interview you post, you look like Parkinson but 50 years younger
Dermot says:
Your parents must have had a terrible time with you "Chris be quiet" Chris 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Chris says:
HAHA, it's like you've known me all my life
Dermot says:
I have, ever see that movie the truman show, that's your life
Dermot says:
There's cameras everywhere Chris
Chris says:
I live in a box, there's nothing in here but the computer and the monitor
Chris says:
No cameras
Dermot says:
What do you think of Scandinavian people Chris
Chris says:
Wonderful, sexiest people on earth as well. I had a Danish friend once, he was great
Dermot says:
he
Dermot says:
sexiest/he
Dermot says:
are you naked?
Chris says:
Both sexes are the sexiest... Come on Dermot, you know if a bloke's good looking or not, doesn't mean you want to lick cream off his arse
Chris says:
By which I mean cream, not... Lovejuice
Dermot says:
did you get naked after I mentioned I was naked?
Chris says:
No, I actually have shoes on, I don't know why, I'm not going anywhere
Chris says:
And other clothes as well obviously, that would be weird otherwise
Dermot says:
I was just about to say, just shoes? I got a horrinble vision, I'm disgusted by the fact I'm naked though, do you mind if I put some clothes on here, i mean this is terrible, imagine a naked Parkinson
Chris says:
There was a joke on The Simpsons about a mother "getting home before that naked talk show comes on", I've never found out if that's real or not
Dermot says:
Okay that's better, what about the French Chris, lets hear you opinion on the Frenchies
Chris says:
The French are good people, the vegetarian food is great. Wouldn't have eaten any snails even when I wasn't vegetarian though
Dermot says:
Chris you said on Evo everything you'vbe accomplished you owe it to your Uncle Wesley, tell us a little about your Uncle Wesley
Chris says:
You're just lying now, to be honest
Dermot says:
I'm stunned
Dermot says:
What?
Chris says:
I have never said any such thing and you know it
Dermot says:
about the French?
Chris says:
No, about an Uncle Wesley. I don't have one, your researchers have made a cock-up there
Dermot says:
That wasn't you?
Chris says:
It wasn't
Dermot says:
I mean....Uncle Wesley that lives in Accrington? the war hero?
Dermot says:
Okay well
Dermot says:
em
Dermot says:
What's my chances of winning this year?
Dermot says:
the caption comp
Chris says:
I have a feeling you're going to hit a good streak soon, you only need the right picture (you need a really really mad picture) and you'll piss on everybody
Chris says:
I have it all mapped out you know, stats, favourite picture types of each competitor, you name it
Dermot says:
Can you give me 5 bonus points right now Chris
Chris says:
If you can make me laugh out loud before this interview ends I'll consider giving you a bonus point
Chris says:
Two if it's very loud
Dermot says:
Bring on the trumpets BOOOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris says:
I smiled, almost
Chris says:
Christ I'm easy
Dermot says:
Chris Wright is a FUCKING LEGEND
Chris says:
That's not funny, that's a completely true statement
Dermot says:
Chris Wright is a TRUMPET
Dermot says:
Shit
Chris says:
He's a trumpet shit?
Chris says:
That's just rude
Dermot says:
Just give me the points
Dermot says:
I need points Chris
Chris says:
I can tell you crave them
Dermot says:
We can keep all of this off the record
Dermot says:
Is your girlfriend there?
Dermot says:
Don't tell her i was naked
Chris says:
No she's not sadly, and the puppies don't win her over by the way
Chris says:
So you can cut that out
Dermot says:
How often does she come by Chris?
Chris says:
Once a fortnight for a couple of days usually
Chris says:
I'll tell you the secret of getting her caption competition points if you want but it has to be off the record
Chris says:
I mean it
Dermot says:
So that's 12 days of FIFA playing for you, then 2 days of you dressed like Zeus, covering her in oil and feeding her grapes, pure passion; yes tell me the secret Chris
Chris says:
That's pretty much it, yeah... Okay, the secret is...
Chris says:
But censor this out when you post the interview, okay?
Dermot says:
Of course
Chris says:
I'm a fucking lunatic, purple monkeys in dishwashers make perfect sense to me, I want to have grim in my house and put him in a bathtub and wash him. i also hate bulemic French people, they make my puke up all my steak au poivre.
Dermot says:
I'll add a line that is total nonsense instead of what you just said ^^^^^^^^^
Dermot says:
and make it look like you said something that was totl nonsense
Chris says:
"Purple monkey dishwasher" please
Chris says:
I'd like to have said that
THE CHRIS DAVIES INTERVIEW PART ONE
Dermot says:
Chris Iolanthe Davies
Dermot says:
Would you be up for an interview?
Chris says:
That's a lot of pressure to put on someone without notice
Dermot says:
I think its best to grab somebody when they are least expecting it, like a blind man in Vienna forced to play violin when he never has played violin
Chris says:
They might spew out of a black hole generated by that LHC thing
Dermot says:
Yes along with a dinosaur
Chris says:
Christ I hope not
Dermot says:
Chris can we start this interview, I have some questions for you
Chris says:
Go for it
Dermot says:
Well first off, i've been thinking about this all day, I want you to start off with a bit of moaning Chris, i want you to moan, preferabbly by saying something negative about the FIFA 09 demo but you do have the choice of moaning about anything, maybe you could moan twice, first about the FIFA 09 demo then about something else, or about something else first, then the FIFA 09 demo
Chris says:
Okay... The halve lengths are way too short, by the time you're building up an attack the referee blows his whistle. It would have been better to have one full 5/6-minute half, then you could play it twice and keep an aggregate score in your head.
Second one... Erm
Chris says:
Do you know what, I can't think of one
Chris says:
Can I give you a crap one?
Chris says:
Like, bananas go brown too quickly
Dermot says:
Try to refrain from asking me questions here if you can Chris, this is your interview, that's like the rally car driver giving the guy in the passenger seat the specifics of the upcoming turns "sharp left 90" etc, now just to clarify, which of those moanings was about the FIFA 09 demo?
Chris says:
Sorry, I should know that. The moan about the half lengths being too small was about FIFA
Chris says:
I wasn't complaining about the length of anything else
Chris says:
Although... No, never mind, I won't stoop to Grim's level
Dermot says:
I'm going to give you a series of rapid fire questions Chris, kind of a get to know you, CW was very good at this, keep all your answers below 2 words (Dermots note to self: could the instructions be any simpler)
Dermot says:
Name
Chris says:
Chris Davies
Dermot says:
That's 2 words
Chris says:
OH
Chris says:
Fuck
Dermot says:
below 2 words
Chris says:
I thought you meant "up to" 2 words
Chris says:
Sorry, start again
Dermot says:
I said below
Chris says:
You made me panic
Dermot says:
this is gone horribly wrong already
Dermot says:
you shouldn't have paniced, CW was great at this
Chris says:
Let's do it again, I'll do better this time
Chris says:
I want to beat CWChris says:
Not in a violent way
Chris says:
Or a sexual way
Dermot says:
Cw is like steel
Dermot says:
you can't beat steel can you Chris?
Chris says:
You can try
Dermot says:
That's 3 words
Dermot says:
again you failed
Chris says:
OHHHHHHHHH
Chris says:
Fucks sake
Dermot says:
What the hell
Dermot says:
Can we get this right
Chris says:
Yes
Dermot says:
How many words would you like to have for your answers?
Chris says:
One
Dermot says:
Good
Dermot says:
Name
Chris says:
Chris
Dermot says:
Chris what?
Chris says:
Davies
Dermot says:
age
Chris says:
23
Dermot says:
Exact home address
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
please
Chris says:
Nooooo
Dermot says:
What does Noooo mean?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
You're making a good start, are you named after your dad?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
Whats you mum and dads name?
Chris says:
Several
Dermot says:
Evo web is waiting Chris
Chris says:
For?
Dermot says:
Your parents names
Chris says:
Impossible
Dermot says:
Impossible is nothing don't you agree?
Chris says:
No
Dermot says:
What's your favorite 2 words?
Chris says:
Legs
Dermot says:
I think we should stop the rapid fire round Chris, this is diabolical, I'm putting that in my sig, What's your favorite 2 words....legs
Chris says:
There's two legs though, I was trying to be clever
Chris says:
I couldn't give my real answer
Dermot says:
We hadn't stopped the rapid fires yet and there you go again with the words
Chris says:
BAH I knew you'd say that but I was struggling
Dermot says:
I said we should stop
Chris says:
Did you notice it took me half an hour to say "legs"
Dermot says:
Chris, what do you think of Chris Wright (we've stopped the rapid fire), I want your opinion of the guy
Chris says:
I was named after Saint Christopher by the way, I wonder if CW was too
Chris says:
He is sound as a pound, to be brief
Dermot says:
see how we both talk of CW at the same time
Dermot says:
He really is sound, I mean, m y God, what a guy, there's no words for him, i think the should be a C Wright game, like the life of C Wright, like CM 01/02 with the flashing text "CW enters the room, he puts on the oven.......AND HE PUTS THE LAMB CASSEROLE IN THE OVEN AT 350 DEGREES!!!!!!!"
Dermot says:
Don't you think?
Chris says:
If you took a programming course you could probably knock up a game like that in a week or two, I would buy it
Chris says:
Just to see if I featured in it somewhere
Dermot says:
We just stumbled on a great idea here
Chris says (Dermots note to self: for the record, how is this CM 01/02 style? fucking muppet, just give me the ten quid now, I'll dance on your grave I promise, but i do consider you my friend now):
"Chris Bauer is hiding in the bin, what do you want to do?
A) Put out the rubbish on top of him
B) Tip him out
C) Bring on the trumpets"
Chris says:
You don't like trumpets any more do you, because of the caption competition, admit it
Dermot says:
Why do you continue to ask me questions
Chris says:
I didn't include a question mark, so I was hoping I'd get away with it
Chris says:
You're a very clever man
Dermot says:
Do you really think that? I thought you thought I was a fucking arsehole
Chris says:
Your comedic talent is almost on a par with the guys behind Father Ted, just because you're quite "in your face" doesn't mean someone should hate you
Chris says:
You're a good lad
Chris says:
But you're not having my address
Dermot says:
I'm feeling we are having a bit of a gay moment here Chris, actually now that I think of it, I'm naked sitting on my bed with my laptop resting on my chest
Dermot says:
seriously
Chris says:
Oh
Chris says:
That's great
Dermot says:
I'm not gay though, i like girls
Dermot says:
I was with a girl last night
Chris says:
Do you wear that hat when you're with them?
Dermot says:
Questions again
Chris says:
You should put a picture of yourself in that hat at the top of each interview you post, you look like Parkinson but 50 years younger
Dermot says:
Your parents must have had a terrible time with you "Chris be quiet" Chris 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Chris says:
HAHA, it's like you've known me all my life
Dermot says:
I have, ever see that movie the truman show, that's your life
Dermot says:
There's cameras everywhere Chris
Chris says:
I live in a box, there's nothing in here but the computer and the monitor
Chris says:
No cameras
Dermot says:
What do you think of Scandinavian people Chris
Chris says:
Wonderful, sexiest people on earth as well. I had a Danish friend once, he was great
Dermot says:
he
Dermot says:
sexiest/he
Dermot says:
are you naked?
Chris says:
Both sexes are the sexiest... Come on Dermot, you know if a bloke's good looking or not, doesn't mean you want to lick cream off his arse
Chris says:
By which I mean cream, not... Lovejuice
Dermot says:
did you get naked after I mentioned I was naked?
Chris says:
No, I actually have shoes on, I don't know why, I'm not going anywhere
Chris says:
And other clothes as well obviously, that would be weird otherwise
Dermot says:
I was just about to say, just shoes? I got a horrinble vision, I'm disgusted by the fact I'm naked though, do you mind if I put some clothes on here, i mean this is terrible, imagine a naked Parkinson
Chris says:
There was a joke on The Simpsons about a mother "getting home before that naked talk show comes on", I've never found out if that's real or not
Dermot says:
Okay that's better, what about the French Chris, lets hear you opinion on the Frenchies
Chris says:
The French are good people, the vegetarian food is great. Wouldn't have eaten any snails even when I wasn't vegetarian though
Dermot says:
Chris you said on Evo everything you'vbe accomplished you owe it to your Uncle Wesley, tell us a little about your Uncle Wesley
Chris says:
You're just lying now, to be honest
Dermot says:
I'm stunned
Dermot says:
What?
Chris says:
I have never said any such thing and you know it
Dermot says:
about the French?
Chris says:
No, about an Uncle Wesley. I don't have one, your researchers have made a cock-up there
Dermot says:
That wasn't you?
Chris says:
It wasn't
Dermot says:
I mean....Uncle Wesley that lives in Accrington? the war hero?
Dermot says:
Okay well
Dermot says:
em
Dermot says:
What's my chances of winning this year?
Dermot says:
the caption comp
Chris says:
I have a feeling you're going to hit a good streak soon, you only need the right picture (you need a really really mad picture) and you'll piss on everybody
Chris says:
I have it all mapped out you know, stats, favourite picture types of each competitor, you name it
Dermot says:
Can you give me 5 bonus points right now Chris
Chris says:
If you can make me laugh out loud before this interview ends I'll consider giving you a bonus point
Chris says:
Two if it's very loud
Dermot says:
Bring on the trumpets BOOOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris says:
I smiled, almost
Chris says:
Christ I'm easy
Dermot says:
Chris Wright is a FUCKING LEGEND
Chris says:
That's not funny, that's a completely true statement
Dermot says:
Chris Wright is a TRUMPET
Dermot says:
Shit
Chris says:
He's a trumpet shit?
Chris says:
That's just rude
Dermot says:
Just give me the points
Dermot says:
I need points Chris
Chris says:
I can tell you crave them
Dermot says:
We can keep all of this off the record
Dermot says:
Is your girlfriend there?
Dermot says:
Don't tell her i was naked
Chris says:
No she's not sadly, and the puppies don't win her over by the way
Chris says:
So you can cut that out
Dermot says:
How often does she come by Chris?
Chris says:
Once a fortnight for a couple of days usually
Chris says:
I'll tell you the secret of getting her caption competition points if you want but it has to be off the record
Chris says:
I mean it
Dermot says:
So that's 12 days of FIFA playing for you, then 2 days of you dressed like Zeus, covering her in oil and feeding her grapes, pure passion; yes tell me the secret Chris
Chris says:
That's pretty much it, yeah... Okay, the secret is...
Chris says:
But censor this out when you post the interview, okay?
Dermot says:
Of course
Chris says:
I'm a fucking lunatic, purple monkeys in dishwashers make perfect sense to me, I want to have grim in my house and put him in a bathtub and wash him. i also hate bulemic French people, they make my puke up all my steak au poivre.
Dermot says:
I'll add a line that is total nonsense instead of what you just said ^^^^^^^^^
Dermot says:
and make it look like you said something that was totl nonsense
Chris says:
"Purple monkey dishwasher" please
Chris says:
I'd like to have said that
Very good.
.
