Jesus' Joke Thread
- Thread starter ClassicD
- Start date
A man takes his wife to a dog show and one of the exhibits is the country's top male breeder dogs. The first dog on show has a sign by its side which reads;
'This dog bred 52 times in one year'
The wife pokes her husband and says, "Hey, you could learn something from that dog". The next dog on show has a sign by its side which reads;
'This dog bred 120 times in one year'
The wife says, "My God, thats more than twice a week. You COULD learn something from that dog." The couple move on to the next dog, who has a sign which reads;
'This dog bred 365 times in one year'
The wife says, "Wow! THATS a dog you could learn from!" The man turns to her and replies, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same bitch each time."
'This dog bred 52 times in one year'
The wife pokes her husband and says, "Hey, you could learn something from that dog". The next dog on show has a sign by its side which reads;
'This dog bred 120 times in one year'
The wife says, "My God, thats more than twice a week. You COULD learn something from that dog." The couple move on to the next dog, who has a sign which reads;
'This dog bred 365 times in one year'
The wife says, "Wow! THATS a dog you could learn from!" The man turns to her and replies, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same bitch each time."
- 6 October 2001
- Liverpool
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
One busy day in London, a sexy young lady is waiting at a crowded bus stop for her morning ride to work. Decked out in a fitted jacket and tiny mini skirt, her attire leaves little to the imagination and earns her much attention from her fellow commuters.
Standing in the queue when the bus finally arrives, the girl suddenly becomes concerned that her skirt may be too tight to actally allow her to make the step up onto the bus to buy her ticket, without baring all to the bus driver and who ever else may be sat in the front of the bus. To avoid this, she casually reaches behind her back and slightly pulls down the zipper of her skirt to give a little slack in order for her to step up safely.
Alas, the skirt is still too tight and the girl is forced to smile apologetically to the driver as she reaches round to pull the zipper a little further to give some more slack. The offending skirt proves stubborn, and after realising that she still cannot step up, she again reaches to pull the zipper down yet again, now very concious of the back log of commuters building behind her.
A burly builder queuing behind her, recognising the girl's plight, easily picks her up by her delicate waist and places her onto the bus. The girl spins around quickly and launches a tirade of abuse at our would-be hero.
"How dare you touch me like that! I dont even know you! Who the f**k do you think you are!"
To which the builder replies, "Sorry dahlin, but I fought dat yoo an me were friends afta yoo unzipped my flies so many times."
Standing in the queue when the bus finally arrives, the girl suddenly becomes concerned that her skirt may be too tight to actally allow her to make the step up onto the bus to buy her ticket, without baring all to the bus driver and who ever else may be sat in the front of the bus. To avoid this, she casually reaches behind her back and slightly pulls down the zipper of her skirt to give a little slack in order for her to step up safely.
Alas, the skirt is still too tight and the girl is forced to smile apologetically to the driver as she reaches round to pull the zipper a little further to give some more slack. The offending skirt proves stubborn, and after realising that she still cannot step up, she again reaches to pull the zipper down yet again, now very concious of the back log of commuters building behind her.
A burly builder queuing behind her, recognising the girl's plight, easily picks her up by her delicate waist and places her onto the bus. The girl spins around quickly and launches a tirade of abuse at our would-be hero.
"How dare you touch me like that! I dont even know you! Who the f**k do you think you are!"
To which the builder replies, "Sorry dahlin, but I fought dat yoo an me were friends afta yoo unzipped my flies so many times."
Last edited:
EatonTJ
Why Today Doesn't Suck.
- 11 April 2002
Two jokes, both very mean spirited:
1.
-What did the five fingers saw to the face?
-What?
Reach back with your hand and slap them across the face as hard as you can yelling:
-SLAP!
Yes, this is from Dave Chappelle and yes I did this to my friend the other night after an evening of heavy drinking. I'm pretty sure he hates me now, but for the love of all things holy it was funny.
2. Send your friend an email with the link (DON'T CLICK IT YOURSELF) www.tubgirl.com
Kind of a slowplay joke, but very funny.
1.
-What did the five fingers saw to the face?
-What?
Reach back with your hand and slap them across the face as hard as you can yelling:
-SLAP!
Yes, this is from Dave Chappelle and yes I did this to my friend the other night after an evening of heavy drinking. I'm pretty sure he hates me now, but for the love of all things holy it was funny.
2. Send your friend an email with the link (DON'T CLICK IT YOURSELF) www.tubgirl.com
Kind of a slowplay joke, but very funny.
- 6 October 2001
- Liverpool
I dont believe that this is real so I am gonna post it in here.
- Thread starter
- #40
Liked that one Chris.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replied.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £5.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
God, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
The Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she
replied.
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £5.
Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
God, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each
manila
envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private
detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he
turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded
crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing
in
the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately
after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing
were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's
and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This
guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a
MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion..........................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui..............................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
Mastercard.
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new
father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each
manila
envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private
detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple
of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he
turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded
crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing
in
the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately
after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if
nothing
were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's
and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This
guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a
MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion..........................................$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui..............................................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
Mastercard.
- 6 October 2001
- Liverpool
Nice find Tim. Heres my offering for the day
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I got married to your Mother the first thing I did when we got home
was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on.
When she did she said, "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
Jack Replied, "Exactly, I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that"
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.
"Exactly," Jill said "and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you
never will!"
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I got married to your Mother the first thing I did when we got home
was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I said to her "Of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".
Jack took his father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on.
When she did she said, "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
Jack Replied, "Exactly, I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that"
Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried them but they were too small.
"I can't get into your knickers" said Jack.
"Exactly," Jill said "and if you don't change your f****** attitude, you
never will!"
- Staff
- #44
- Thread starter
- #45
- 6 October 2001
- Liverpool
There are 2 snowmen in a garden. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell carrots?"
Just noticed you brought the topic back just for that joke CW, hahaha mental
A few sick taste ones...
Whats black and cries in a corner?
A baby in a binbag
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them
What's black and bumps into the coffee table?
Jordan's kid
A few sick taste ones...
Whats black and cries in a corner?
A baby in a binbag
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them
What's black and bumps into the coffee table?
Jordan's kid
W
Wright19824
Guest
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawkings in a house fire.
I am going to burn in hell...
Stephen Hawkings in a house fire.
I am going to burn in hell...
RuneEdge
Silent Assassin
- 1 October 2003
- Manchester United
What do you call a chav in a box?
Innit
What do you call a chav in a locked box?
Safe innit
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!
Yes, I was really bored.
Innit
What do you call a chav in a locked box?
Safe innit
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted!
Yes, I was really bored.
Mack
Champions League
There a Englishman and Irishman and a Scotishman sat in there local bar. The Englishman turns to his mates and tells them how when giving the wife a seeing to last night he came over her tits and she rose a foot above the bed.
Back in the pub the next night the guys are talking and the Scotishman tells the others that he sorted his wife last night finished off on her face and she rose 2 foot above the bed.
The very next night the Irishman strolls into the pub and tells his mates how he had beat them both, explaining further he went on to say that after shagging his missus that night he came on the bedromm curtains and she hit the roof....!
Back in the pub the next night the guys are talking and the Scotishman tells the others that he sorted his wife last night finished off on her face and she rose 2 foot above the bed.
The very next night the Irishman strolls into the pub and tells his mates how he had beat them both, explaining further he went on to say that after shagging his missus that night he came on the bedromm curtains and she hit the roof....!